Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
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The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
eggs benadryl
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
This why you should mind your business
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.