*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
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Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from