[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
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Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.