People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
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My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*