The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
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Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.