So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
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(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
This is I, Robot all over again
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”