I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
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Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
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To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.