Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
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them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.