*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
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I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
good for her
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Finally!
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.