I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
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reduce, reuse, recycle
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
All food is good if you spell it wrong
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?