[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
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Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Living the best life.. 😊
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*