STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
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SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
new year update: losing everything but weight
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow