looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
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Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
my retirement plan is braless
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.