I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
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If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Venn
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.