*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
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It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”