This cat wants you to take your pills
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I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
LMAO
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet