HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
You Might Also Like
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Hello, my name is Pierre.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”