ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
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My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
relationship goals
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work