*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
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I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics