Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
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I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
same energy
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
I hope it’s French Onion!
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”