People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
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My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.