I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
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Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Bros before Ohioes
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—