It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
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Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really