do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
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One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.