the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
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fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Can Happiness buy money?
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.