extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
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My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
? 💀
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”