Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
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I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
our love story in four pictures
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.