What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
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Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.