You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
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Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
how to have fun when you’re poor
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
This fish is cracking me up
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.