I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
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Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya