[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
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If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.