Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
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Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Meme Monday.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn