You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
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Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.