When you don’t understand how floors work
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Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
scrabbled eggs