On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
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The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Tell the colonel to bring it
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.