If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
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@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-