Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
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Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.