Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
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Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
the best thing i’ve ever made
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.