Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
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When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
That’s amazing.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
This is always good for a laugh.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
operators are standing by to ignore your call