Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
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Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
me when i see my girls butt
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.