i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
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While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
The devil.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with