Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
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What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Meanwhile in Canada…
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.