My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
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my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Holy crap this is wonderful
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.