What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
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Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
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White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza