Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
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Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.