Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
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if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.