Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
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For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions