My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
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Taliband
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels