me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
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The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.