He loved it so much he walked himself up.
You Might Also Like
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.